


Breath In, Breathe Out

by Whovian2525



Category: Crashing (UK TV)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Sad with a Sad Ending, but don't forget about episode six!, sam and fred relationship, set between episode five and six
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-15
Updated: 2016-11-15
Packaged: 2018-08-31 03:41:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,204
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8562487
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Whovian2525/pseuds/Whovian2525
Summary: Fred is happy, he has to be... doesn't he? He has a loving boyfriend, such a lovely boyfriend... but he's not Sam. He doesn't call him names and he doesn't tease him mercilessly... but he is happy. He has to be.





	

_Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget everything he has said to you. Forget him. He doesn’t matter, you’re better than him. Just. Breathe._ Please.

Fred leans on his desk, leaning his head against the wall. He reminds himself that he has a loving boyfriend who really does care about him… but, he’s not Sam. He doesn’t call him pet names and he doesn’t tease him… he is kind of full of himself. But, he’s happy. And he has someone who cares about him and actually shows it, instead of someone who leads him on.

But, this feeling of longing and sadness and rage builds up inside of Fred and he is just so tired of this. He feels guilty for liking someone else, really really liking someone else, while being in a relationship. But, he had to move on. Sam isn’t going to ever feel the same way. All those late nights watching trashy movies snuggling is nothing more than platonic on Sam’s side. He had to do something, anything, to make the pain hurt less. And it’s been working… or he’s been trying to convince himself that it’s been working.

“Hey sugar bitch, watch a new movie I have, it’ll be fun,” Sam comes barging in, interrupting Fred’s thoughts. Fred can’t help but smile when he sees his adorable face and how attractive the scruff is on Sam’s face. Fred, without saying anything, nods his head and they go to Fred’s bed to watch the movie.

What Sam doesn’t notice is that Fred glances over at him and wonders what he’s thinking. What Fred doesn’t notice is that as soon as Fred looks away, Sam is looking at him and trying to build up the courage and self esteem to do something, anything, to fix what he’s feeling. They’re both dying inside, made of aggression and self loathing and regret… but most of all, longing and fear.

Sam looks over at Fred and watches him, not looking away when Fred looks at him. At this point in the movie, the big scene pops up where the man confesses his love to the woman and they have the big kiss. Fred is staring into Sam’s eyes and Sam is staring at Fred’s lips and they just need to do something, anything. But instead, they keep staring until the kiss on the screen is over.

“I-” Sam starts, but then Will knocks at the door, making both of the men on the bed jump. Sam gets off the bed, not feeling like getting in a competition with Will today. He glides past Will in a hurry, not letting him see the defeat on his face. Sam doesn’t know what he’s feeling, but it doesn’t feel good.

Fred kisses Will awkwardly on the lips in a quick manner, listening to Will while he goes on about a vineyard in some foreign country.

_I don’t mind listening to Will, I actually enjoy it… maybe. This is good, I like this. I like Will… I may even love him. No, sorry, I do love him. I love him because the other day he told me that he loved me, so of course I love him. Sam is just my mate… mate. Babe… no, no, no. He is not my mate, not my babe, not my anything. He is Sam and I am me and that’s all that is. I like Will… love Will, I have to get used to saying that. I love Will and that is that. Will and his vineyards and his stories and his lovely voice and adventures. Breathe, Fred, just breathe. You don’t have to be told to breathe, you bloody idiot. You no good, blubbering, screwed up id-_

“So anyways, there’s this wonderful vineyard in Rome, it’s absolutely wonderful,” Will says, watching Fred’s face to see if he’s listening. Fred smiles quickly and kisses Will on the cheek, saying he’ll be right back.

Fred walks downstairs to find Lulu messing around with Anthony with Kate watching in the background. Sam walks in and avoids Fred, leaving Fred to watch as Sam flirts with Lulu in front of him. Fred knows he has a boyfriend, he shouldn’t be jealous and Sam is free to do whatever he wants, but it’s hard watching this. Fred watches as Anthony clenches his fists seeing this and Fred realizes that he’s in the exact same situation as him. He doesn’t want to be Anthony, nothing against him or anything, but Fred just doesn’t want to be like him. Not in this situation anyways.

Sam leans into Lulu, whispering in her ear, leaving Lulu to laugh loudly. Fred’s heart is racing and he just can’t stand it anymore. He can hear his heartbeat loudly in his ears, throbbing his entire body. He can’t breathe properly and he knows if he even lets out a breath, he’ll freak out.

“So, how about you say we have a little party, just the two of us together later tonight?” Sam asks Lulu. Before Lulu can respond, Fred screams.

“I can’t believe you! I honestly can’t believe you!” Fred shouts at Sam. The entire room is silent, the only sound is Fred’s shouting. “I know you know how I feel about you, are you doing this on purpose? Do you like hurting me? You honestly don’t know what I’m feeling or else you wouldn’t do this to me. I… I… I fucking like you, Sam! How do you not see this? Or maybe you do! Maybe you like playing with me for fucks, I don’t know, but this is all your fault! I am miserable and it’s all your fault! You lead me on and you call me these affectionate names and… and… and just stop, please,” _Breathe. In and out. Just breathe. Please. Just breathe._ “I can’t keep playing these games with you. I have to stop because I just don’t think I can handle it anymore, Sam. Stop leading me on, okay?” Fred shakes with fear and anger. He wants to flee and to leave but he stays put, his heart beating at a steady pace. For a second, everything is quiet and the tension is high.

“Wow, and I didn’t even play my ukulele,” Lulu says, her voice amused. That sets off a train reaction. Anthony tells her not to be such a tit and Kate just stares at the ground, refusing to be apart of any of this. Sam and Fred are staring at each other hopelessly. The tension is gone, but what replaces it is longing and sadness. Because Fred knows that he has a boyfriend upstairs to go to and Sam has his pointless fuckbuddies. And everything that they’ve been through is just going to remain hopeless and without any resolution. Because they can’t do anything. Because they refuse to. And they’re fine with that. Or, at least, they’ll convince themselves that it’s fine.

“Oh, Fred, you’re shaking. Let’s go out,” Will says, walking into the room. Sam looks away, walking away from Will and Fred. Will places his hand on Fred’s shoulder and kisses him on the cheek. Fred closes his eyes and nods his head, letting Will lead the way.

_Breathe in. Breathe out. Please…_ Please...


End file.
